Snakehead Invasion

Bad news fatherfolkers. There is an actual thing called a Snakehead fish, and it is here. Maybe even in your home.

Snakehead Fact: Snakehead fish can grow to be up to 40 motherfucking pounds. To give you something to compare that to, imagine a fish with a horrifying snakehead, weighing as much as Gary Coleman. Now imagine me crying uncontrollably.

The Snakehead (Channa Micropeltis Motherfuckis), is native of South East Asia. It first arrived in the United States in order to play half of a buddy cop duo for the film "Rush Hour 4" playing opposite Owen, or Luke Wilson. The Snakehead ate the Wilson, the one with the weird nose, not the squinty one, and escaped into a river. Scientists now say that Snakeheads are reproducing in the wild. Do you get that? Not only are these things swimming around in the lakes and rivers, they are also fucking in our water supply.

These bastards breath air. With primitive lungs. AIR. That means they could literally walk to your house at night, climb the stairs to your bedroom, and eat you. Here are several useful questions from the Haggis-on Whey book, Animals of the Ocean that will help to determine if you are in fact being eaten by a Snakehead fish or another sea creature:

1. Are any of my limbs missing?
2. Is a beak like mouth eviscerating my organs?
3. Am I lightheaded and also drinking my own blood?
4. Am I inside an animals stomach?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions you are likely being eaten.

According to Bill Cochran of the Roanoke Times, Maryland has offered a bounty for dead Snakeheads. $10 for snakeheads under 12 inches; $25 for snakeheads 13-24 inches; $50 for snakeheads over 24 inches.