Written by Gretchen Harwell
WARNING: There will be A LOT of what some will consider spoilers in this review. I prefer to think of it as an extremely detailed list of reasons you should see this movie. I promise not to give away any of the plot points to this super deep and thought provoking piece of cinema (think of it as Inception: Lake Edition), but I’m going to give away tons of awesome parts because they need to be shared. Don’t like it? You probably wouldn’t like this movie anyway, so suck it.
When I saw the trailer for Piranha 3D, I knew it would be a movie I would see. Really, it looks terrible, but it looks like the kind of terrible that everyone should see. I mean, what about the set up of having kids on spring break getting devoured by fish doesn’t appeal to you? It’s impossible to overstate my enthusiasm for this movie. And it’s in 3D!
Let me take this moment to say I’m completely over 3D movies. It’s way overused and unnecessary in about 90% of the movies that employ it. Those movies use it to jack up their ticket prices. In the case of Piranha 3D, I’d argue that it was entirely unnecessary and entirely necessary. The 3D effects aren’t that good, for starters, with one glaring and somewhat disgusting if poorly done exception. Seriously, since when does beer vomit look like blow-foam? Maybe it does, I’m allergic to alcohol so I wouldn’t know. The reason I say it is entirely necessary for it to be in 3D is that without that hook, I fear this gem would be sent the direct-to-video route, and most of us would miss out on it. So yeah, both entirely necessary and wholly unnecessary.
There is so much to go on when recommending Piranha 3D to friends. First of all, there are the different ways people get killed. Got a friend who has always wanted to see a decapitation and head-ricochet? This is your movie. Ever want to know what happens when a piranha eats a disembodied penis? Answer: It burps it up. See? Educational. What goes best with a disembodied penis? Disembodied implants. Yeah, that’s right. This movie will give you disembodied implants. There is a part where a guy on a boat runs over a bunch of dead people in the lake and kills several more with his boat. It’s incredible. But that’s not all! His propeller gets stuck in a girl’s hair, and in his panic he revs the engine and gives her a full-faced scalping. In one scene, you see a character using a boat propeller as a weapon to kill piranhas, WHILE HE IS BEING DEVOURED BY PIRANHAS! If you parasail on this lake, don’t let your friends drag you through the water too much, because eventually you’ll be a bloody torso-stump. If you want to float on the lake on an inner tube or something similar, prepare to be eaten butt first and pulled through the tube opening. Finally, my favorite death in the whole movie, and it’s a double whammy. At some point, a power line gets cut, and it falls to the water, striking two girls before falling out of the shot. One girl tenses up and then dies, presumably from electrocution. The power line does more of a slice across the other girl, whose bikini opens up to reveal one of about a billion sets of boobs in this movie. She looks down, and then you watch part of her torso slide off the rest, having been severed by the power line. It’s incredible! Where does the power line go, into the water? Wouldn’t it kill the fish and people in the lake? I don’t care!
And now for the last part of my review: the boobs. They’re everywhere! I’m not actually into boobs, but they’re such a prominent part of this movie I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention them. I think this movie could have been given the title Boobs, Boobs, Everywhere! Or at least use that as a secondary title, like Piranha 3D: Boobs and a Bloodbath! Something to that effect, because if there’s one thing you see more than fish in this movie, it’s tits. It’s set on a lake, so naturally you see lots of them on boats. Also featured are underwater boobs, quite extensively. Remember me mentioning the parasailing girl? I left out the part about how her boobs were exposed the entire time. This set was a twofer as well, because you see them underwater AND in the air. I’d imagine that having one’s breasts exposed while parasailing might be uncomfortable, but I’ve never even done it clothed, so how would I know? What I do know is that if it’s boobs you want to see, look no further than Piranha 3D.
If this review isn’t enough to make you see the movie, you don’t deserve the greatness imparted by it. What more do you want, a plausible plot? Get out of here. You can’t have a plausible plot AND this much carnage AND this many bared mammaries. It won’t happen anywhere else, and that’s why I loved this movie watching experience.
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