The Circumcision Post: When You Talk About Penises, You're Gonna Meet Some Assholes.

Several weeks ago I posted a note to twitter that I was in the process of making a decision about whether or not to circumcise my son. Admittedly, by writing on twitter that it was on my mind, I put it into the public arena. What I was unprepared for was the speed at which people who were not in my friend graph appeared and tried to influence my opinion. Within seconds, I had messages from @circinfo and @intactbydefault, for and against. So what exactly does that mean? It means that these dudes were sitting at their computers, or more likely ipads searching for the word circumcision on twitter, and probably myspace and facebook.

I thanked them both politely for expressing interest in my sons penis, until the douche canoe calling himself @intactbydefault had the nerve to quote Gandhi by way of comparison to what he perceives as his own struggle for human rights. motherfucking Gandhi. My response was: "Yes. You are exactly like Gandhi, if Gandhi spent all day trolling the internet for mentions of baby penises and giving unsolicited advice. ass".

So here's the decision I made.... Just kidding. That will never happen, because frankly, it just isn't anyones business outside of your family. Not your Rabbi, and certainly not the creeps out there wailing over foreskins while people starve in the streets and hundreds of people are maimed every day by roadside bombs. My advice to you is that when you make your decision, go no further than your own conscience, culture, and family for your answers.

Thanks to my local government we got to worship the devil, twice!

Kids accepting sugar bombs from mostly strangers happened over the weekend, you may have heard of it and may have even participated, on a Sunday no less!

This was not to be in our county, which apparently decided about a month ago that celebrating this day of cavities and pudge on the day of his almighty wasn't in our best interest. Boy did we get the last laugh.

We saddled the horses, hitched up the wagon and made our way all the way across the county line on the 31st of October. We spent a long night imbibing, chanting (imperial march for every plastic Vader mask), pentagram drawing (it just happened to appear as hopscotch), candle burning (we burned candles) and shuffling around a 16 month old lion cub from stranger to stranger.

Last night, free of the complications in sharing this day of rampant paganism and devilry with Sunday, we did it all again. Thank you County Council, for allowing us to be our pagan best twice this year.

Homebrewing a Baby is Awesome

Hey all,
I got to catch Judevine Elijah Morgan-Weintraub on Saturday night as he came shooting out of my wife. It was awesome. We have been building towards a homebirth throughout the pregnancy, but the little guy was bumping up against two weeks overdue, which was starting to limit our options.

On Friday morning when we visited the midwife, she told us that the baby was higher up than our last visit. It was pretty discouraging. So we ate mexican food. And Kristen's water broke. Just like that.

I won't go all daddy blogger on you here, but it was a pretty amazing experience. I got to be in the birth pool, catch the little guy when he came out, and cut the chord. No long drive home from the hospital, no intrusive nurses, just me, Kristen, our daughter, my mother, and Judevine. Amazing.

More later. I'm tired.

But seriously, be careful about eating mexican food.

Dispatch from Japan: Climbing Mount Fuji

Written by Andrew Rosenstock

Before leaving Tokyo I was fortunate to find a group on couchsurfing.com that was climbing up to Mt Fuji overnight to catch the sunrise. There was about 50 of us in total, some of us from the organizer of the trips company and the rest were couchsurfers. One of the things that was really nice about going up with a group is the sense of community that we had from the beginning. I originally thought about going this alone and am so grateful that I had the people I had to summit with.

Black Widows

courtesy Steve Ryan

When my husband and I decided that our future did not lie in Cincinnati, we debated between moving to Vermont and Asheville. There was no other part of North Carolina where I would have agreed to live, but would have settled nearly anywhere in the great state of Vermont. We took into account several factors, not least among them the cost of living. Both places are beautiful and provide plenty of things to do both indoors and out. Both places have good food and strong local economies. In the end, it came down to a coin toss and Asheville won. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have a lovely home somewhere near Burlington right now.

Here's the big thing I hadn't considered - black widow spiders. I had no idea we had them here. Not only are they here in this state, but they're here IN MY YARD. To give you an idea of how seriously I take these things, I'm scared of daddy longlegs and those things are pathetically easy to avoid in life. I had a vacuuming incident involving a spider not long ago that scared me so bad I cried and came frighteningly close to peeing in my pants. When I saw my first black widow a few weeks ago, the first thing that came to mind was not "Hey look, a big cute black spider!" It was "MOVE TO ALASKA."

Dispatch from China: Hot and Sour Soup

Written by AndyFatherfolk

When I move to new area one thing I always look for is a chinese food place that has two items in a style I like. It's very important that I can get these comfort foods quick and easy. The first, an americanized dish which is far from healthy but super tasty, (depending on the style) egg foo young. It's a dish I used to order frequently from Dragon Chef, the low brow take away chinese food spot in my hometown of Needham, MA. The second dish is hot and sour soup. I love chinese style hot and sour soup but as anyone who's ordered a lot of hot and sour soups can tell you, there are many different styles and versions of this soup. Some too spicy, some too vinegary, some with too much msg and some that just plain suck.

When I lived in NYC, my budget survived on eating a lot of either wonton or hot and sour soup for dinners. for $2.50 I could buy a quart of either soup and it had flavor and nutrition. (moderately) Hot and sour soup will have lots of veggies, mushrooms, tofu and sometimes a meat or two. So there was protein and vitamins mixed in with other oddities that only chinese cooking can bring.

Dear Ones. A letter to Tyler, Seth, Asher, and Billy

Guest Post by Casey Berna

A letter to the four angels just lost, Tyler, Seth, Asher and Billy, and all of the others up in heaven.

             

My dear ones, my only comfort in hearing of your too soon departure from this world is that you are up in Heaven, now wrapped in our loving God’s embrace. You are in a place, now, where love is rampant, acceptance for who you are and how God made you is given without thought, where you finally will feel comforted, at ease and at home. But it is a small comfort to me, and I imagine even less of a comfort to your family and loved ones.  You should still be here.  I feel your loss, and I have never even met you. The loss your parents and other family and friends must be feeling right now is unimaginable.

             

My dear ones, our society let you down. We gave you messages daily that being gay was not acceptable. We allowed the words “you’re so gay” or “that’s so gay” to continue to have a negative connotation.  We allowed the word “fag” to be thrown around as something terrible to be called.  While you were growing up, we didn’t allow positive gay characters on your television or cartoon programming to provide you support.  When you knew you were gay at a young age, we called it disturbing, unhealthy and looked at your parents to blame for your self-awareness.  We provide very little in the way of showing you that being gay is a social norm and completely acceptable.  I am so very sorry for this.

          

Our government has let you down.  They say you can serve in our military, risk your life, but you can’t admit to being gay?  That certainly implies there is something terribly wrong with being gay.  Our government also says that gay people cannot get married.  That is sending a clear message, is it not?  I can only imagine how oppressive it is for a young person to have your government having a hand in whom you can and cannot love or be with, legally.  The state of Mississippi states that gay couples cannot adopt children.  What a burden for you to carry.  These laws make me deeply sad; I can only imagine how they make you feel.

Your community has let you down.  From when you were young we hid examples of openly gay role models from you.  What happens to openly gay youth leaders, school teachers, coaches and administrators?  They are often treated like pedophiles and not accepted in the community.  Some community leaders are even asked to step down from their duties after coming out or being outed.  Parents say they don’t want their children affiliated with “such people.” They are scared of what could happen.  Don’t ask, don’t tell seems not only to be a guideline in the military, but encouraged in some of the communities in this country.  Parents who are not understanding and accepting of gay people are at risk to raise children who are not accepting; children who bully.  What messages are they sending you, dear ones?

Your school, a place that should be a safe environment for you to flourish and grow, let you down.  Intolerant communities throughout our country keep faculty, staff and administrators of schools closeted and in fear of losing their jobs.  Teachers who either are too burnt out, ignorant themselves or overwhelmed do not step in when kids who are gay or who are perceived to be gay are bullied time and time again.  Bullies are written-off as “kids being kids.”  But what about your rights, my dear ones, to be kids and to be a part of a learning community without fear or harassment?  What about your rights to be who you are, to love who you love, and to take whomever you love to your prom?

Our religions let you down.  Some religions are very open and accepting of all people, gay people included.  There are some groups out there, though, who think gay people are “sick” or “sinful.” My dear ones, I am not certain what religion you or your family practiced, but I am certain that no matter what it was, you have heard all of these hurtful, hateful views people voice in the name of our loving God. 

Adolescence is so hard to begin with, a confusing and awkward time in everyone’s life.  When your society, government, community, school and religion are giving you messages that you shouldn’t exist, you are sick, you are a pedophile, you are worthless and sinful, the difficulties of adolescence are only compounded.  As a mother, I find it painful to think that anyone would feel that way about my child.

My dear ones, I feel like I have let you down.  I wish I could have been there to tell you it will all be okay.  I wish I could have advocated for you at your school.  I wish I could have imparted on you the wisdom that this too shall pass and that one day you will be far from this environment and far from the ignorant people that tormented you.  I wish I could have been there the moment before you took your life, to hold you and tell you that you are perfect just the way God made you.  I know that it would have been a lot to have asked you to continue in your environment of fear and torment and I would have felt guilty asking you to do so, but I would have known that ten years from now, you would be okay.

It is not good enough to ask our gay youth to just “survive” their adolescence! Kids are dying on our watch. We, as a society, have to change and encourage our government to do the right thing for the gay community.  Gay people are not going anywhere.  They are a part of communities everywhere.  It is time they are accepted.  It is not okay to keep gay people in the closet.  It is not okay that gay people fear losing their livelihoods if they disclose who they are.  It is not okay to hide behind God while condemning and discriminating against our gay brothers and sisters.  This is not a political or religious debate.  These are rules, attitudes and judgments that are daring children to take their own lives.

My dear ones, we all have failed you.  Every single one of us.  I am so very sorry. My hope is that you have not died in vain. My hope is that this country will realize the hurt and pain it has caused you.  My hope is that dialogue and discussion will open up so that we will not lose any more of you.  My hope is that you are all angels and will serve as a light to the rest of those in the gay community who are struggling.  I pray for you and your families. My love is with you.  I know you are finally safe and at peace, but I am so sorry your journeys have ended in this tragic way.  With all the love in my heart, your sister in community, Casey Berna. 

             

             

             

             

The Great Walrus Migration

You can only imagine my alarm when I turned on NPR and saw this story about "tens of thousands" of walruses moving inland toward populated areas because of climate change. The guy posing as a Walrus in this photo is Anthony Fischbach, a wildlife biologist with the U.S. Geological Survey. "I'm surprised by one thing," he says. "Essentially all the animals here are adult females. You'd expect to see about one in three with newborn yearling calves." Apparently, either there is some sort of catastrophic changes in the Walrus population due to global warming or there is the Walrus version of an Indigo Girls concert.

More from the NRP story:

Fischbach has been attaching satellite radio tags on the walruses to try to figure out how the animals are coping.

The tag, which he deploys with a crossbow, is a hockey puck-sized transmitter that embeds into the thick walrus skin. Back in his Anchorage office, Fischbach can download hourly updates on the animals, which he calls "walrus diaries."

"It's a simple diary: I rested; I got in the water; I fed. And then it all gets repeated in various combinations," he says.

Wait wait. Lets unpack this a little bit at a time. First of all, this guys name is pronounced fishback. Unresolved issues? Second, he shoots them with a cross bow? That's kind of awesome. Finally, he writes a walrus diary. In a walrus voice. Coo-coo-ca-choo.

Music I Missed: Dokken!

I think this is the first Dokken song I've ever heard. I'm really glad that I got to see this video for my first exposure because man oh man does it add something. That thing, by the way, is a literal representation of the lyrics; watching this video made me think that the director had no concept of metaphor. The song is called "Breaking The Chains," and much of the video depicts chains being broken by one or another member of the band. Excellent use of imagery, boys. I will give them credit for their slightly innovative use of chain in the video. For example, there's a close-up of George Lynch's guitar strings, which are tiny chains; the bass guitarist also uses chain for a strap. Clever! The literal depiction of lyrics continues when Dokken is reading a letter from his ex-lady-friend as she is shown in the background mouthing all the words that he is saying she said. Does that make sense? No. Why? Because it's a retarded idea that only made sense in whatever coke-addled moment inspired this video.

Dispatch from Japan: Making Udon

Written By Andrew Rosenstock

I think it was my third or maybe fourth night while staying with Kazuko-san but she told us we'd be making udon that night. As a fan of noodles in general, I was very stoked. Starting with just flower and water we built up the base of what would become a delicious and exciting meal. It started with just Wanda (the other wwoofer here) and me listening to Kazuko-san explaining to us what the process was. A littler later Ishekawa (no idea if that's how his name is spelled or even pronounced, so apologies for that) came by. He is one of Kazuko-san's student volunteer assistants.

Sneezies! I Am Not Ashamed.

Sneezies! is awesome. It is quite possibly the greatest game that I play that was designed for toddlers. The basic premise of the game is that there are little fuzzy parachutists imprisoned in bubbles that need you to set free by distributing sneezing powder among them. I am not making that up, I swear it. You get one shot to get the sneezing powder out to them and you better hope that you set off a sneezing cascade or not enough of them will parachute to safety. You can understand the pressure that this puts on a player.

Adding to that pressure is the way the game treats you when you don't save your quota of Sneezies. Each level sets a target number for you. I think when the designers made this game, they were thinking about teaching children what it's like to work in retail with impossible sales goals - I was stuck on level 25 for over three weeks recently and felt browbeaten by the time I finished it. If you induce sneezing in more than 50% of your target but still miss it, it says "Oh, not quite, sorry." That's not too bad, but the tone in which it is spoken in my head is awfully condescending. Worse than that, though, is if you get fewer than that 50%, in which case it says "Wow, you missed by miles." When I underperform at this game, I keep waiting for it to say things like, "Seriously, lady?" or "Are you even trying? It sure doesn't seem like it."

The Cleverest Movie of the Year

Last weekend I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, starring Michael Cera and directed by Edgar Wright. The handful of friends of mine who have good taste in movies all highly recommend Wright's other films, including Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. I haven't seen these movies and to be honest, had no idea it was the same guy going into this one (no one who knows me will be surprised by this revelation). If this is a fair representation of his work, consider me an instant fan of the guy.

The movie has video game type graphics and action woven throughout but still manages a compelling storyline. I make this point lest you think that this is the same thing as a movie based on a game. Please. It might be a bit nerdy, but it isn't THAT nerdy. The way that this theme is worked into the movie, that is, without any subtlety but avoiding a certain inherent cheesiness potential is what makes it clever. If there were an Academy Award for Cleverest Movie of the Year, Scott Pilgrim would win it hands down; Inception has nothing on this movie. Plus, the acting isn't half bad.

Guest Post: A Promising "Project"

Todd Guill joins us today with a cross-post from the New River Valley Voice covering Asheville, NC band The Galen Kipar Project. You may remember Todd as the man-at-arms from A Profile in Courage: Stranded on the High Seas.

Since the halcyon days of first grade, I’d been told never to begin a story with “Once upon a time.” The universal tenet being that such a preface should be reserved for homilies and fairy tales. Not to mention that the appearance of these words typically portends banal storytelling: “Once upon a time this thing happened at this place around this time, and some stuff went down after that, and people learned lessons about the virtues of Cornhole tournaments (but not everyone because some people are just inherently evil), and that’s really all I have to say, so thanks for reading; enjoy the lobster bisque.” 

And yet for the tale of Galen Kipar and his Asheville, North Carolina-based band, The Galen Kipar Project, “Once upon a time” seems just as appropriate an introduction as any. Notwithstanding the fact that they’re about to put the finishing touches on album number four in nearly as many years, they may as well have just materialized out of thin air.

Guess What I found Inside Your Pet: Momma and Poppa Blue

Welcome to this edition of "Guess What I Found Inside Your Pet!" This story dates back a few years, from my last job. Most of my good stories come from there, because it was as dysfunctional of a place as you could hope to find.

Early one day at work, we got some transfer paperwork from the local emergency hospital, informing us that we'd be getting Blue, a doberman pinscher (guess what color!) who had eaten pantyhose three days prior to his visit to the emergency clinic. Blue's owners knew about his dietary indiscretion but for some reason ignored it. Why anyone would think that pantyhose are digestible is beyond me, but as I perused their transfer paperwork I gained a clearer image of these particular clients. The woman was a beauty pageant veteran. I'm not saying beauty queens are dumb, I'm saying this lady got by on her looks and not much else. How did I come to this conclusion based solely on one piece of paper? I'll tell you how. Where it said "Employer:______," Momma Blue wrote "Husband (tee hee!)." I rest my case.

What can making beer teach your kids?

If you've spent any time at all hanging around here you've noticed we're kind of obsessed with beer; the making of it, the consumption of it, etc. That may seem like an odd subject for a father-centric blog, but we think beer gets an unfair rap. From Al Bundy to Homer Simpson, everywhere you look beer is the poster child for the bad-dad. Instead, let's see if we can turn making beer into an educational process (let me know if anyone can make the consumption side educational).


Here we have just a few of the things that can be taught to any inquisitive kid during the beer making process. However, don't expect even the most patient to stick around for the entire time, long boil times and sanitizing 54 bottles takes a while.

A Dark Fairy Tale in Photos: Hansel and Gretel

Written by Bridget CallahanCross posted from: Bridgette Callahan is Your Best Friend

1. Hansel lived with the witch before Gretel. He had found the witch, living happily in her gingerbread house, alone with her cats, and moved in. When this all happened, Hansel was not a boy. He was in fact 33.

2. After years of living together, Hansel started staying overnight when he went into town to buy supplies. The Witch was suspicious. Hansel pointedly told her she was crazy.

3. One day, he "found" teenage Gretel wandering in the woods. "She's just a friend. Stop being such a bitch. We're just hanging out" he told the Witch.

4. The Witch loved Hansel very much. Witches are not creatures to fuck around with. They live on the edge of madness, in a darkness of words and intentions. They are fragile when they are sane. They are sincere when they are hurt.

Jessica Alba vs. Pronunciation

Machete - it's not that good. For a movie that started out SO strongly, it fizzled pretty quickly. I guess when you start with a triple beheading it's hard to sustain that level of awesome for very long, but you could try a little harder to exhaust your audience's smile muscles. After a really strong opening sequence, the movie just plods along, unable to decide whether it's a fun movie that doesn't take itself too seriously or if it really wants to deliver a social message. In the end, it does neither. There are definitely flashes of greatness, but those are less fun to talk about than the things I didn't like. So I'm going to do just that, starting with Jessica Alba.

LAAFF - I Went To It.

Instead of saying LAAFF like "laugh," as it is no doubt intended, I prefer "La-aaa-fa-fa." It just has a nicer flow. It's short for the Lexington Avenue Arts and Fun Festival, which is held each year in downtown Asheville on....Walnut Street. Just kidding. It's on Lexington, you gullible fool. I went to it last weekend.

I never went to many street festivals before moving here, so I can't say if it's like other street festivals around the country, but I would bet that it's at least similar. Street fairs are a place for people to dress up like weirdos, smell like patchouli, and drink beer, right? Yeah, I thought so. So LAAFF is just like any other street festival/freak show you've ever attended. Except that it's in Asheville, so it there's an extra layer of patchouli. It's like patchouli + beer + protester sweat + more patchouli. I think the basic philosophy behind LAAFF is "if you can make it out of feathers and cardboard and then wear it, please come downtown on Sunday to meet your soul mate. Dogs on RCA cable leashes welcome!"

Book Review: Book Dad Reviews I Am Not Weird

I Am Not Weird! by Haley Metzger and RayeLynn Banks

Reviewed by: Chris Singer

Cross posted from: bookdads.com

About the Authors:

Haley lives in Marietta, Georgia with her parents and sister and brother. She recently completed first grade, and is a first-time published author.

RayeLynn is Haley’s grandmother and writing guide. She is also the director of an inclusionary preschool in Atlanta.

About the Book:

Haley, a first grader, never thought of herself as different because she has cerebral palsy. When a new classmate told her she was weird because she wore braces and walked funny, Haley was upset. She did not know what to do or what to say as a response. With help from her parents and grandmother, Haley decided to write a book explaining that she was not weird – cerebral palsy is not weird. In the book, Haley tells what cerebral palsy means and tells all that she can do anything, just like everyone else. Haley brought her book to school and it was read to the class to help the children understand. Haley is proud of herself and hopes her book will help others to understand cerebral palsy.

My Take on the Book:

This is a great idea for a book to help educate children about what it’s like to live with any disability, not just cerebral palsy. This book has terrific photos which show Haley participating in lots of physical activities, and indeed shows that Haley can do anything anyone else can do. I give Haley and her parents a lot of credit for taking a really uncomfortable and disturbing bullying situation at school and turning it into such a positive experience! I love the message of determination and self-empowerment throughout the book and even though I’ve never met Haley, I can tell she must be an extremely positive and inspiring girl.

I would highly recommend this book for parents, family members and teachers who might need a resource to help education children about cerebral palsy.

Recently, Haley went through a very difficult medical procedure called Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy (SDR). Cerebral Palsy causes Haley to have a lot of spasticity (stiffness) in her trunk and leg muscles. Spasticity interferes with her range of motion and speed of movement. It can inhibit muscle growth and can cause muscle contractures and permanent orthopedic deformities. This neurosurgical procedure can reduce spasticity permanently and improve motor activities for Haley!

The Empire Strikes Back: Meh

In my ongoing effort to catch up on all the stuff I missed as a child, I watched the second of the original three Star Wars movies, The Empire Strikes Back. Everyone told me how great it was, and that it's the best of the three. Well guess what. I didn't like it. It might in fact, be the best of the three movies, but that doesn't make it good. That's like saying that getting syphilis is better than getting herpes. Sure, it might be better, but it's still not good. Furthermore, you should know better than to be going out getting STD's.

Here's what I liked about the movie: it sets up the next one and Yoda shows up and he's kind of a dick sometimes. Also, my dogs seemed to enjoy two whole hours of couch time with me; I daresay they enjoyed the movie more than I did.