My mom has informed me (via my daughter) that D.Q. needs to start shaving her legs. If she’s ready to shave her legs I’m not entirely sure that I want to know what else is going on with her. Being a full-time single father raising a teenage daughter can be tricky at times and it often feels like walking on a minefield.
There’s no one right way to have “The Talk” with your child—each child is different and that has to be taken into consideration as you prepare yourself. There are definitely some wrong ways to have the talk, but no one definitive “Right Way”.
How the hell does a single father talk with his sarcastic, eye-rolling, attitude strutting daughter? I could just let her watch TV. God knows there’s enough sex going on there. Maybe I could just have her to watch Zoey 101 on Nick and tell her to figure out why the show ended up so abruptly.
P.S. It was because Jamie Lynn Spears became a baby mama. She and her boyfriend were playing a game of Vatican Roulette* and lost.
SMS: J.R. you have a prime opportunity right now to prevent D.Q. from ever having sex. The golden rule of dating, as a chick, to avoid having sex is to not shave your legs! Seriously, teach her that hairy is so very the way to go and you’ll never have to worry about the sex talk. You can avoid it all together. Just a thought you might want to sleep on.
My daughter is only five so I have been successfully able to dodge “the talk”. I know it’s coming and so far “the talk” has consisted of learning anatomically correct names for “parts”. I’m not ready for the full on talk at this age yet. I’m not even ready to hear anatomically correct words come out of her sweet, innocent, angelic mouth. I have a different tactic, it’s called bury-my-head-in-the-sand-until-I-have-to. Age appropriateness is everything and at five I’m good with the bare bone basics. Perhaps that was a poor choice of words.
Mini-me has two younger half brothers with whom she takes baths with at her dads house. She has seen, “the parts” on her brothers and has noticed the difference in equipment. She’s also obsessed with my boobs but that’s a whole other post. Given my duck and run approach so far you can imagine my horror when she was four and announced proudly that she loves penis. Yes, you heard me right. She said “mommy, I just love penis”.
I immediately begged her to stop shouting her love of the male member but she wouldn’t. She likes to watch me squirm. She’s an evil genius like that, comes from her fathers side.
She went on to tell me she loves penises because they are “just so cute”. Yes, this is the point at which my brain began to bleed. I again asked her to please stop saying penis because every time she says the word “penis” mommy’s brain bleeds a little. Now you’d think her love of me would have made her stop. No. Instead she kept saying “penis” while grabbing my head, tilting it to the side and looking deep in my ear as if she was searching for a missing Barbie shoe. When I asked her what she was doing she replied, in the most serious of tones, “I’m looking for the blood mommy.”
I may not be the best person to give advice just yet on “the talk.” I now have three convents on speed dial and I’m not even Catholic.
When my time comes for “the talk” I think I’ll take the stick with the basics, not too much detail, keep it age appropriate, keep wine on hand (for me, not her, that would be wrong), don’t give a how-to lesson and hope pray she has two left feet and never ends up on a stripper pole because mommy sucked at giving the talk approach.
JR: Uh…no way will I have a daughter with more hair on her legs than me. Just because she was born 20 minutes from Berkeley does NOT mean that she’s some non- shaving, deodorant shunning, granola eating, tree-hugging hippie chick. Not that there’s anything wrong with those people—I would prefer that she bathe and shave until she’s out on her own.
One thing I think I’ve done right is that I’ve gotten her the Gardasil shots. For those not in the know, Gardisal is a series of three shots for chicks to help prevent HPV, which causes cervical, vaginal and vulvar cancer. In fact, D.Q. gets her third and final one tomorrow morning. Excuse me a moment while I set my alarm for 6:45…
So far the bury my head in the sand option has worked pretty well for me, but since she’s wearing a bra now I have to pull my head out and get bitch slapped in the face by reality. And no. That was NOT an invitation for you to smack me! At least not on the face. But I digress.
Mine has never said that dude junk looks cute so I will just wish you luck with that one. I can’t help you there. I’m curious about something. Is the plural of “penis”, “penises” or is it “peni”. Can anyone help me out with that?
SMS: You’re a pig, “dude junk”. Her half brothers are four and one. Really? There is something seriously wrong with you. I digress.
You’ve done more than one thing right but certainly getting your daughter the HPV vaccine is up there on the list. Of course I happen to know that you told her it was for “lady stuff” and not that it was to prevent against the most common STD affecting women today. An STD that is often silent and unnoticed. It doesn’t quite jump up and grab your attention like its friends Herpes and Crabs. Not that I would know. Good work protecting her and avoiding the STD talk at the same time. I’m not judging, that one is a difficult discussion.
When to have the birds and bees talk often takes care of itself by the timing of their questions. I find that often our kids have a way of letting us know when it’s time. This rule does not always apply to angst ridden teenagers though.
Use their questions as a cue. The key is to give age appropriate answers as the questions come up. Confront them head on. Don’t give too much info, don’t give too little and just be straightforward. It’s not a talk that has to involve hand puppets and a bottle of wine. A book couldn’t hurt but a direct conversation might be best.
Connecting with your child and answering the difficult questions directly is the real heart of parenting. As awkward and uncomfortable we find “the talk” it is often just as awkward for our children. No matter how uncomfortable it is for me I’d rather my daughter get the low down on her “low down” from me and not TV.
Or there’s always the your-eyeballs-will-fall-out-of-your-head-if-you-even-think- about-kissing-a-boy-scare-the-shit-out-of-them approach. This works until they are about three. Good luck with Drama Queen. At least mine doesn’t have a rack yet and lust after movie vampires so I’ll be sleeping soundly tonight. The next beer is on me.
*According to UrbanDictionary.com, Vatican Roulette is: Unprotected sex in which the male pulls out prior to ejaculation. Also known as the pull and pray method. Of dubious effectiveness in comparison to condoms or birth control.
Used in a sentence: I didn't have any jimmy caps so I had to resort to some Vatican roulette with Sarah last night at the party. Let's hope I didn't knock her up.
J.R. has been a full-time single father for eight years and is a veteran of the online dating world. In December 2009 he created and launched the popular blog, Sex and the Single Dad, where he chronicles dating, parenting and life as a full-time single father. His tagline says it all: "One rad dad. One cool daughter. One thing missing." You can check it out at www.sexandthesingledad.com.
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