Cute as monkeys are, buying one to keep as a pet and then consume should only be done after a lot of research. Not only should you be sure you are buying from a reputable breeder, you also need to familiarize yourself with the behavior of monkeys and decide which recipe you will want to use. I also suggest considering carefully which friends to invite to your monkey feast, and which co-workers to let in on the fact that those delicious looking leftovers are monkey flesh. Follow these steps to make your monkey dinner a success.
Things You'll Need:
- large cage
- monkey
- chainsaw
- The single of the Pixies "Where is My Mind"
- Find out if you can legally eat a monkey where you live. Some areas like Somalia, Tribal Autonomous zones in Pakistan, and the entire American Mid-West allow this, some require a permit, and some areas don't allow them at all.
- Research the care and feeding of monkeys. Determining the specific behavioral quirks of your monkey will help you to choose the correct preparation methods and appropriate pairing dishes. You'll need a large cage (a cage for a parrot is not big enough, we recommend asking your pet store for a cage big enough to hold a small child). You'll need to feed your monkey fresh fruits and vegetables, cooked meat and fish, grains, yogurt and insects, in addition to commercial primate food. The variety in their diet--and hiding their food to mimic the search for food they would do in the wild--will help prevent boredom. As Martha always says, a bored monkey is a stringy dry monkey! In order to prevent boredom, leave the chainsaw and Pixies single with the monkey at all times. He will also need a cassette player for the album, and gasoline for the chainsaw.
- Know that monkeys can be destructive, particularly when bored. especially if given only a chainsaw and a Pixies single for entertainment. If you aren't going to be able to spend a lot of time with them, it's best to get them a companion monkey. They need constant supervision when out of their cages. Monkeys typically become more aggressive after they've hit puberty at around 5 years old, and males are more aggressive than females. A monkey who has been listening to one song on a Pixies album is even more aggressive than most.
- Realize that monkeys are expensive food. Depending on the breed, a baby monkey can range from $2,000 to $20,000. Finding a vet who treats primates is sometimes a challenge, and veterinary care is expensive. JUST KIDDING! You're going to eat it. don't spend too much time worrying about it getting the rickets.
- Visit someone who owns a monkey. Talk to them about life with a pet monkey, and where they purchased theirs. Ask them to tell you everything they can, the bad as well as the good. When they leave the room, sneak a small slice of their monkey just to get an idea of the treat you are in for,
- When the big day comes to finally eat your monkey, it's best not to let it know anything is amiss. A mature male monkey, who by this time has gotten quite good with a chainsaw can be dangerous indeed. Smile at your monkey so as not to arouse suspicion. Offer compliments such as "You have a lovely singing voice" and "You sound JUST like Frank Black". Everyone knows that the only thing that can kill a Pan paniscus is drowning. The most effective method that we have found for getting the job done is to quickly switch out the Pixies tape for a Coldplay album. Given that your monkey has at least an inch of water in his bowl, this should pretty much work itself out over time. Now you are ready to cook, eat and enjoy!
Pound for pound, monkeys are five times stronger than a man. This makes them a little tougher than other meats, so a good marinade or tenderizer is wise.
ReplyDeletegood advice from a vet!
ReplyDeleteAnd aspiring but lazy chef. Store bought marinade all the way. Look for them in the monkey department.
ReplyDeleteChoosing the right container to marinade the monkey in seems important. Would a home depot 5 gallon bucket work?
ReplyDeleteI'd say that depends on the size of your monkey. 5 gallons might have ample sloshing and turning room for some but be much too tight to provide ample soaking for others. Best to get the monkey first, then seek an appropriate container.
ReplyDelete