Guest Post by Casey Berna
A letter to the four angels just lost, Tyler, Seth, Asher and Billy, and all of the others up in heaven.
My dear ones, my only comfort in hearing of your too soon departure from this world is that you are up in Heaven, now wrapped in our loving God’s embrace. You are in a place, now, where love is rampant, acceptance for who you are and how God made you is given without thought, where you finally will feel comforted, at ease and at home. But it is a small comfort to me, and I imagine even less of a comfort to your family and loved ones. You should still be here. I feel your loss, and I have never even met you. The loss your parents and other family and friends must be feeling right now is unimaginable.
My dear ones, our society let you down. We gave you messages daily that being gay was not acceptable. We allowed the words “you’re so gay” or “that’s so gay” to continue to have a negative connotation. We allowed the word “fag” to be thrown around as something terrible to be called. While you were growing up, we didn’t allow positive gay characters on your television or cartoon programming to provide you support. When you knew you were gay at a young age, we called it disturbing, unhealthy and looked at your parents to blame for your self-awareness. We provide very little in the way of showing you that being gay is a social norm and completely acceptable. I am so very sorry for this.
Our government has let you down. They say you can serve in our military, risk your life, but you can’t admit to being gay? That certainly implies there is something terribly wrong with being gay. Our government also says that gay people cannot get married. That is sending a clear message, is it not? I can only imagine how oppressive it is for a young person to have your government having a hand in whom you can and cannot love or be with, legally. The state of Mississippi states that gay couples cannot adopt children. What a burden for you to carry. These laws make me deeply sad; I can only imagine how they make you feel.
Your community has let you down. From when you were young we hid examples of openly gay role models from you. What happens to openly gay youth leaders, school teachers, coaches and administrators? They are often treated like pedophiles and not accepted in the community. Some community leaders are even asked to step down from their duties after coming out or being outed. Parents say they don’t want their children affiliated with “such people.” They are scared of what could happen. Don’t ask, don’t tell seems not only to be a guideline in the military, but encouraged in some of the communities in this country. Parents who are not understanding and accepting of gay people are at risk to raise children who are not accepting; children who bully. What messages are they sending you, dear ones?
Your school, a place that should be a safe environment for you to flourish and grow, let you down. Intolerant communities throughout our country keep faculty, staff and administrators of schools closeted and in fear of losing their jobs. Teachers who either are too burnt out, ignorant themselves or overwhelmed do not step in when kids who are gay or who are perceived to be gay are bullied time and time again. Bullies are written-off as “kids being kids.” But what about your rights, my dear ones, to be kids and to be a part of a learning community without fear or harassment? What about your rights to be who you are, to love who you love, and to take whomever you love to your prom?
Our religions let you down. Some religions are very open and accepting of all people, gay people included. There are some groups out there, though, who think gay people are “sick” or “sinful.” My dear ones, I am not certain what religion you or your family practiced, but I am certain that no matter what it was, you have heard all of these hurtful, hateful views people voice in the name of our loving God.
Adolescence is so hard to begin with, a confusing and awkward time in everyone’s life. When your society, government, community, school and religion are giving you messages that you shouldn’t exist, you are sick, you are a pedophile, you are worthless and sinful, the difficulties of adolescence are only compounded. As a mother, I find it painful to think that anyone would feel that way about my child.
My dear ones, I feel like I have let you down. I wish I could have been there to tell you it will all be okay. I wish I could have advocated for you at your school. I wish I could have imparted on you the wisdom that this too shall pass and that one day you will be far from this environment and far from the ignorant people that tormented you. I wish I could have been there the moment before you took your life, to hold you and tell you that you are perfect just the way God made you. I know that it would have been a lot to have asked you to continue in your environment of fear and torment and I would have felt guilty asking you to do so, but I would have known that ten years from now, you would be okay.
It is not good enough to ask our gay youth to just “survive” their adolescence! Kids are dying on our watch. We, as a society, have to change and encourage our government to do the right thing for the gay community. Gay people are not going anywhere. They are a part of communities everywhere. It is time they are accepted. It is not okay to keep gay people in the closet. It is not okay that gay people fear losing their livelihoods if they disclose who they are. It is not okay to hide behind God while condemning and discriminating against our gay brothers and sisters. This is not a political or religious debate. These are rules, attitudes and judgments that are daring children to take their own lives.
My dear ones, we all have failed you. Every single one of us. I am so very sorry. My hope is that you have not died in vain. My hope is that this country will realize the hurt and pain it has caused you. My hope is that dialogue and discussion will open up so that we will not lose any more of you. My hope is that you are all angels and will serve as a light to the rest of those in the gay community who are struggling. I pray for you and your families. My love is with you. I know you are finally safe and at peace, but I am so sorry your journeys have ended in this tragic way. With all the love in my heart, your sister in community, Casey Berna.
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